Welcome back to The Rewilded Woman and chapter two. I’m so very glad you’re here. Today as we continue rewilding together I want to talk about identity because some of the concepts I’m going to share with you feel really revelational to me even at the age of 53 years old.
Like me, you may have been brought up on the mantra ‘find your purpose’ or even read Simon Sinek’s book, Find Your Why. Full disclosure - I tried reading that book but felt too much pressure so didn’t get much past the introduction - apparently it’s a great book. It’s also a book that’s written by a man. I’ve delved deep into the yoga wisdom of dharma or life’s purpose and I even hosted a retreat called ‘Find Your Dharma’ in gorgeous Greece.
Here’s my latest hot take on purpose which builds on chapter one of The Rewilded Woman, where I wrote about remembering where we come from. When we know who we really are, we can then choose who we want to be and actively decide our own identity. This might sound obvious but hear me out.
Think of ALL the expectations (spoken and unspoken), we as women have upon us. To be mothers, to be wives, to be straight, to find a (usually male) partner, to look after the household, to be feminine, to be quiet, to be nice, to work, to put family first, to be strong, to hold it all together, to parent perfectly, to be well. The list is essentially endless. With those layers and layers of identity given to us by generations of patriarchal systems it is no surprise that women often reach a point where we feel like our identity has been chosen for us. It’s also why any human who knows deeply that their true identity doesn’t meet their society’s, culture’s or family’s values or expectations feels the pain of living in a world that isn’t aligned with the essence of who they are. Our brains find it very very difficult to know ourselves and then continue pretending to be someone else.
Fortunately we have the ability to control our mind, or at least our thoughts and yes it does take practice. When I intentionally choose my identity, based on knowing myself deeply, knowing my dreams deeply, then the default mode network in my brain or DMN, (sometimes called the ‘internal mind’), channels my resting thoughts in support of this identity. If I am not clear about who I am then when I’m daydreaming or reflecting or meditating the DMN in my brain will by default rest on the current version of me. If the current version of you is exactly who you plan to be and do for the rest of your life then that’s great. But if you’re a woman who has been told who to be for half her life and you have no other identity than the one you were given, then your brain will continue to focus on you being that version of yourself.
When we aren’t clear on who we are, or when we are living life as a version of ourselves that everyone else wants, our brain can’t filter for what we are choosing because we haven’t given our DMN any direction or orders. Think of choosing your identity as giving your brain new sign posts to follow and an open highway to drive down. As your DMN spends more time directing its attention to the person you’re choosing to be, it starts helping you see more signs and opportunities that are aligned with the identity of your choosing, which in turn inspires and motivates you and becomes a beautiful upward spiral of your desires.
So the BIG question to ask ourselves - and rest assured I’m asking this of myself too - is if I look back at my life who do I want to have been? What version of myself will make me proud of the life I have lived? And the question is NOT what have I achieved, what job have I done, who have I pleased? And I say this because I believe these are the masculinized questions we are programmed to believe define a life well lived.
Have a think dear, do some journaling, project yourself into the future and imagine looking back at the person you have been, the life you have lived. This is the beginning of living an aligned life, of knowing yourself deeply, of choosing your own identity. And with that comes purpose - but more on that in chapter three!
For now go be unapologetically you and I’ll see you back here very soon for another installment of The Rewilded Woman.