Life Lessons in Tango

 At the end of October, 2018 as I headed towards the end of a very hard year, I spontaneously booked myself on a two week trip to Buenos Aires with the Beunsettled crew.  I was traveling alone and I didn’t want the hassle of having to organize everything myself and dig deep for the extrovert part of me to be able to make friends on the road.  The Beunsettled ‘instant family’ option with awesome local ‘guides’ seemed perfect.  My only ambition for the two weeks was to dance tango.

Julieta and Ramon , tango stars of Buenos Aires and our final class together.

Julieta and Ramon , tango stars of Buenos Aires and our final class together.

I teamed up with a fab South African woman from the group, who was usually busy saving the planet and who also had tango ambitions and with our local contacts we were introduced to the fantabulous Ramon and Julieta, Buenos Aires tango stars.  And just like in Romeo and Juliet (although with a happier ending), Ramon and Julieta met at a tango milonga and fell in love.  Now married with a little tangolito they are teaching the world how to feel, breathe and love through tango.

Life Lesson 1 - don’t think, just feel

If you think learning tango is all about the moves and the choreography then think again.  The essence of tango is the malka.  Without this, you are not dancing you are just moving.  The only way I can describe the malka is that it is the moment when you are in the dance and when feeling, breath and movement become one and your thinking mind switches off.  If you’ve ever had a moment of enlightenment in another way, whether it be standing on a mountain top awed by nature, looking at your new born baby or lying deep in savasana at the end of a yoga class then this is the malka.  But here’s the thing, to really dance tango you need the malka ALL the time.  And the only way to find it is to stop thinking and start feeling.  Easy right? Wrong!  So so wrong. 

I found it ridiculously challenging to switch off the thinking mind and allow myself to feel my body – and this is from someone who practices yoga most days and teaches regularly.  Surely I would be a great candidate for feeling my body.  Feeling my body alone on my yoga mat - yep got it.  Feeling my body in the arms of someone I just met, i.e. Ramon, is a whole 'nother story.  And on top of that, tango means I have to not only let go of my thoughts and feel my body but I also have to tune in to know what Ramon is feeling to really understand the malka.  You can see why this is hard but you can also see why this is a HUGE life lesson.  Tuning in to what I and those around me feel deeply, wow - what a gift tango gives!

Life Lesson 2 - let go of control

Ramon the master leading me in the tango.

Ramon the master leading me in the tango.

Tango is also a lesson in control, either consciously taking it if you are leading or letting go completely if you are following the dance and your partner.  Julieta who is a sublime dancer told me she took lessons for an entire year before she danced at a milonga because she could not let go and let her partner and the tango lead her.  In our world today so much of what we learn is about taking control of our lives.  As women particularly we have had to take control in so many areas of our lives to ensure an equal place in the world.  I feel sometimes the only place I am ‘allowed’ to surrender is on the yoga mat or when I fall asleep at the end of long days of being in control at work.

So you think I would be relieved to find a practice that gives me full permission to let go of control. This is in no way as easy as it sounds. But in tango you see quickly that it doesn’t work to have two people leading the dance and there will without doubt be a lot of foot stepping and bumped shoulders if the person following doesn’t sit back, breathe, feel and let the leader lead.  As the follower in a tango you also need to learn the art of pause.  If I jump right in to the dance I can never know what my partner is feeling, what his breath is telling me, what signals his body is giving me and I won’t take the time to listen or understand the tango he is communicating or feel the malka.  In life outside of tango this often translates to a calendar with no breathing space and a life with no room for mistakes, illness or change. Having run my life like that in the past I can tell you it doesn’t feel good.  Tango teaches us to pause, to listen, to tune in and just to wait.  Without this there is no malka, no feeling, no flow in tango and it turns it into a set of robotic and ungraceful moves.  And have you ever noticed that the same happens in life?

Life Lesson 3 - intentional control

The reverse of letting go in tango is choosing control intentionally and then communicating that to those around you and most importantly to your tango partner.  Not only do you have to be clear on who is leading but you then have to adapt your actions and movements and use the  malka of tango to communicate that.  If I’m leading the tango and I want you to move backwards then I have to breathe in a way that lets you know that, followed by gentle, clear movements of my body that send me forwards and you backwards (or vice versa).  In life we are rarely upfront or intentional about when we want and need control. Instead we find ourselves having it forced upon us, or always being in control because we don’t know how to let go of it or even wanting to be in control but sort of hiding it because it doesn’t fit with social expectations. Wouldn’t life be easier if the passive aggressive (or just aggressive) control that we often experience could be substituted by being up front and intentional about when we need and want to be in control in the gentle, clear and heartfelt way of tango?

 Life Lesson 4 - bask in vulnerability

And finally, tango is a lesson in vulnerability.  I discovered that it is absolutely impossible to dance the tango with an emotional brick wall around you.  In a way maybe it’s natural that I felt my defenses go up as I was thrown into the arms of a man I just met (lo siento Ramon!). But very quickly the tango teaches us that there is no dance if the protective walls remain.  We spend so much of our lives protecting ourselves in small ways, whether that be from difficult colleagues or bad bosses, to homeless people asking for money on the street, to maintaining our space on a crowded bus.  How many of us are really living our lives with open hearts and open minds?  In tango those emotional brick walls kill our ability to receive communication from our partner and to feel the malka of the dance.  I find this to be such an important metaphor for our lives.  With our walls up, what do we not hear, what do we miss in the experience of this beautiful and wild life?  Our vulnerability is hard to wear because we fear getting hurt but our vulnerability is also the tool that enables us to connect and experience in full and tango demonstrates this to perfection.

My gorgeous  Mosh Mosh  tango shoes by Marithé

My gorgeous Mosh Mosh tango shoes by Marithé

I know not everyone has the privilege to learn tango from the very best and in the town in which it was born and I am so grateful that I was able to have this experience in incredible Buenos Aires. Muchas muchas gracias Ramon and Julieta and Beunsettled! I admit I thought it would be nice to dance and learn something new. I never imagined for a moment that tango would challenge the deep seated patterns that no longer serve me in the life I want to lead. I also never imagined I would dance at a real milonga! What this experience taught me is that I have to stay curious, I have to consciously take action to move outside of my comfort zone because tango is exactly where the magic happens. So don’t waste time gorgeous people, go out there and find your own tango and let the discomfort you experience in doing something new, open your heart and mind to the life you want to lead. NAMASTE